Year of the pubs

I don’t know how we survive it, another year nearly out and we’ve partied like it’s 1999 ,no scratch that I was working for the queen then, stop thinking kyle an just write ,  always do that me myself n I, sidetracked whilst drinking cheap cherry ade.  Right pub is the word of the day , many a pub has had my presence,usually I won’t remember leaving and I’m sure folk sneak tickets in my jeans an stamp my hand when I’m sleeping cause I can’t remember being there. stones in the dam I have vague flashbacks of large round tables and truffles the only thing on the menu I’m sure it was morning before we got hoofed out, ladyboys dancing in gogo bars with ping pong balls, I’m sure one old bag was maginleys  ex bird ting tong,  leidesplien square ,  follow the tram lines ,  goddamn bananahead, talking to the pot heads was like watching walking dead.

Bar 21 Manchester ,  told off by the scaghead woman bouncer, ruining my rendition of this charming man with my shirt in the air only to be told off like zammo, I do like that bar ( indie refuge).pie n chips in Scott’s favourite London boozer the garrick n floating down the Thames on the dixie queen  (ska disco), booked on already for next april ,yous gotta start early if y gonna fit it in (tip).  

Now when I’m at hum in a creature of habit, don’t travel far me,n don’t ask me out for a meal ,can’t do both and carling wins -Duke I’d where the heart is,whenever I’m in stinckley (not often) it’s always good to be entertained by own own in house comedians and piss heads and without a doubt ,and  I would say this cause it’s mine , it is the best pub by far.

Porto and Liverpool left this year then off to goa for 3 weeks rest before the fun and tears start again for another year at gods will.x

Puissiez vous to us ime vie longe et gaie.x

2nd half A.F.C

Away days are the best days, normally I would be on the bus  but today I’m in the car with Karen, ain’t that right Kaz, because you’re not allowed on the bus remember, beachy the boss said so and what Beachy wants beachy gets,  ah.   You can hear the mighty roar as you turn the bend,” we’ll never feel down till we get our own ground”  summat wrong with them lyrics but never mind, knobby must have made it up when stoned or shroomed .

Only want a pint and some nut’s , got no fucking chance in here it more packed out than pammie’s bra,  oi Bobby  grab  me a pint.  Second half now and it’s getting louder, equalizing goal from Iuka Richards and it’s going fucking mental in the away end,  The mask is on and it’s give me a B,  Dingle’s off on one, the roofs gonna come off that shed in a minute and if he rings that bell  right next to my lug hole again i’m gonna have to stick it up his  arse.

Well the class shone through in the end, we were back in it for a while but  5-2 in the Fa Cup  away to Chasetown aint a that bad ,we’ll be back next year taking over any ground we visit and drinking Gin and Tonic till we die

 

Aday with Hinckley A.F.C.

Coffee and a big brekko, no I don’t want lager it’s only 10am,  I’m sure there’s something wrong with them lot. That should be the  rule anyway, always eat before you start downing the pints like George Best,  if you don’t you’ll probably end up like sleepy, ” in a bush with no Bush” if you get my gist, anyway enough said about toss pants.  All aboard the Greentowers jet. ay-up  Pass the bucket im about doing it, were only in fucking Burbage Dave it’ll be full before we leave Leicestershire, and don’t get passing it over my head on the way back up” that’s what you get when you have too much ale before we even leave .  should be there in an hour easy, pub by 12, but no, I forgot Tin Magoo Pay is in the hot seat and wacko acko is co-pilot,  and you know what that means ” deeeeetourrrr”, your only suppose to blow the fucking doors off”  did I just see the sign for Penzance.  We make it  in the end and its only 1 oclock, so not too bad, time for at least 5 flat cold pints before kick off ” Standard ” it all smells like Granny fanny when you leave Stinkley I don’t know why but it does. Missed kick off as norm, beach is halfway to Neverland and it’s only getting louder, shut it beach for fucks sake”  and sleepys becoming a cock it’s amazing what a few sherberts do to you,   I can hear the roar of the Benny Hill song from behind the goal, Dingles leading the troops in a merry dance, I’m too busy stuffing my face with an half time crustation of a pie as dry as blunder woman’s foo. Half  Time….. Back soon

hinckley

Mandy’s in the kitchen , it’s nearly half time and the lads are getting a bit peckish, the roasties are on the table and the rest is on its way, and there he is hovering over the table like an Ethiopian on speed, he’s not even bought a pint yet, I don’t know how he does it but he does it  every time,  yes you guessed the one and only shane monkey moore or to the lads in the duke Mr tight ass.  Shane is a likeable lad  , well most of the time unless you get him one of his ” I tell u dude when I get hold of him i’ll rip his fucking head off and stick it up his arse ”  moments, he’s usually on about his bestie spanner. I will say though when we were in India he did buy a round on the last night, but it was only 30p a drink.

Sleepy Scott, now until about 2 years ago I had never set eye’s on this leg end, he comes in flashing the cash and got more cooking powder up his snout than Jordan Belfort, that’s the wolf if your wondering.  Off to Liverpool for the weekend and Scott’s  on good form and we’ve only only been in the the pub half an hour and he’s playing musical fucking statues by himself , fast asleep  standing stiff as a board and snoring like huxley pig,  so I wake him up and tell him to at least stand in the corner where no one can see him,  I left him there happy in the corner and went out for a smoke, not realising until I got out there that sleepy was standing in the window fast asleep like a mannequin.

Now, in the Duke  we are mostly regulars, if someone strange walks in they usually get the stare, anyone would think  “rose and fred west” had just come in , but after they have been interrogated by pat n jean strangers usually end up leaving totally pissed with a new outlook on life, if you’ve never met  pat n jean then I would compare them to Joan rivers and Alf Garnett but not sure which is which,  every other word is “cunt, cock, twat” you get the gist I guess, what  forgot to tell you pat is 72 and jean in her late 60’s , they definitely don’t make them like that anymore. you will usually find them in the royal box on a sunday lunchtime and anyone who dares to to go there is met with  a nice “what do you want you twat”.  The other two half’s of the couple are Roger and Edge, now lets start with Rog the dodge,now  Roger Moore 007 (Licenced to kill) is a  lovely bloke and in his early 70’s,  he was struggling to get about a bit but has recently had two new knee’s so now moves like Jagger around the bar.  Now the Penguin is another kettle of fish, that’s Edge,   with Edge you like him one minute but then you hate the little shit the next, talk about gossip, this little toad wrote the book on it , he’s worse the hinge n bracket. Rogers the real dodger, edge , well I like edge but he is a proper -cunt..

 

just remember. You don’t hear unless you listen.

 

Loughborough– Jaguar skills

i’m back, well nearly

Well were still here in vastly stinkley and the world just seems to carry on without us, someone must save us from damnation, to start lets have a culling of all the undesirables that riddle our streets with dirty needles and empty Skol cans. You walk up castle street trying to hide so  no bag heads see you and shouts your name, if they do you have to duck quick like you’ve been shot to avoid the embarrassment of them knowing you.

The bus station seem to be coming on ,well about as fast as monkey moore gets to the bar to buy a round of drinks, it will happen one day i suppose, it might happen sooner  than we think if the ruski’s decide to flatten us like one of kims pints then we might at last get our own cinema.  Sach for mayor and Kenny for prime minister.

 

I see the Bounty should be opening back up soon, sounds like a good thing but who is going to use it, there’s not many  from that era who still actually go out on a Saturday night, most are in their mid 40’s now and prefer a nice cup of tea instead of a knee trembler under ritzys and we defo don’t need another  sergent peppers, to be sure ,to be sure, ill fight u for free gypo boxing ring, lets hope it goes well, sensible doormen and over 25’s sounds good to me.

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2013 trip by trip- Budapest – january

Budapest started this year off, it was my 40th birthday and ferris’s 50th so we thought we’d go off on a jaunt with the Duke gang, which to be honest looks more like ” The Black Widows” are we bad mothers ,we are bad mothers,  anyway all 25 of us  made it to Hungary with only a few minor hitches.

The apartments all sorted,but only after telling the loons to leave the reception, let me explain , this is me talking the them” When we get there i only need 1 person from each room to come to reception with me”  Doh, it’s like having 25 Harry and Lloyd’s with you,  i got there attention when i said the beer and weed was that way, and off they went like good disciples.

An hour later i finally make it to the Bar, this is about the only time we were altogether, our small groups peel off just like you did the second day at j.c.c.,  the duke  lot is made up of two groups when we go on our travels,you have your walkers and drinkers or your tokers n stinkers,  we  bid our farewell to the Ratpack only after making sure that Ratmonk had fetched them all a drink n munchies and rolled king Rat a bifter and off we go on our jolly travels

You just cant spend your money in Buda,its cheaper than the tenence that wormy used to give Heidi for his lunchtime special every sunday. Well after walking 120 miles we find a nice little boozer  for a pit stop, after a few swift one’s its time to move on,”  the reason why”  Once shitty Sidney and the blood orange gang had been in the lav there was no going back the smell would kill a skunk.

 

Stinker

Many fine characters live amongst us here in vastly stinkly and iv,e had the pleasure of being friends with quite a few and enemies to a few more, but where to start is a good question, well we have had a Foe in Darren nutbonk Bialiss so lets pick my old long estranged friend Ty-rone u fat bastard Smith, for those of you that dont know Ty, ill give u a bit of background,Ty is from a small suburb of stinkly called Wykin,now before anyone starts ringing me to have a go, just remember i,m only telling the tale, right Wykin is one of the poorer parts of town, but all the folk who live there are quite proud of the fact they live there( and why not), but Ty a born n bred Kinner has disputed this fact for nearly forty years, even though his neighbours are true kinners and yes i,m on about you pair , kerry mort and Bod.

Everybody knows Ty for his exaggerations, basically he cant tell the truth, Ty has told more porky pie,s than the whole of the Jimmy Saville Brigade all put together, everyone knows about his tales from beyond the realms of realism,(Basically Bullshit),there was the time when on a plane back from China the pilot became ill and then the co-pilot, with nobody else capable of flying the plane, in pops Ty to the rescue,its not just the fact he lied about landing the plane at Birmingham airport, its the fact he’s never even been to China, well to tell a lie myself, come to think of it he did once pick a Special Chow Mien up from hing’s Cottage.

Carry on Camping 1973-1989

Carry on Camping 1973-1989.